Amy’s Emotional Spending—What Does She Really Need?

Yes, I know I’m known as the “Earn Your Worth Queen”, but in my many years as a money coach, I’ve learned all to well that if you don’t look at your spending, it doesn’t matter how much you make. Remember, there are two sides to the coin of money: make more and spend less (or spend more consciously).

I’ve found that people are very confused now-a-days as to how to deal with money. Wasn’t it easier when it was all cash and checks? Maybe. One of the consequences is that money doesn’t always feel “real”. We spend without thinking. And it is simply easier to throw money at something—to satisfy what we want with money.

But what do we really want? If we figured out what was beneath our surface desires, we would find that it is possible to creatively meet what we really need on less money.

So here is a fabulous exercise I want you to do: grab a piece of paper and start writing down all the things you WANT. (Yes, I know—this can feel like opening Pandora’s Box. Bear with me.)  Think about your discretionary spending—both big and small.  Remember, there is a difference between wants and needs. You may need to go to the dentist for a crown and you want to go to Hawaii. You need groceries and you want to go out to dinner and buy a latte every day.

Don’t worry—I’m not going to have you simply eliminate your wants. That would feel awful, and you would likely still spend the money and then feel guilty about it. The point of this is to figure out what is beneath your wants and then get creative about getting what you REALLY want—perhaps what you really need. Bonus—you will be more satisfied. Double bonus—you will spend less money!

Okay, let’s explore this. Here are a few items from a typical WANT list that one of my money coaching clients came up with. Let’s call her Amy. Some of these things Amy regularly does and some she is planning to do.  Amy knows these things are not “necessities” to live life.  “Yes, yes, I know these are what people call ‘discretionary spending’. But I work my butt off and want to be able to enjoy my money…” Big sigh.

1. Going out to nice dinners
2. Trip to Hawaii in February
3. Daily triple chai latte

I then asked her a simple question—one that I want you to ask yourself when you look at your own list: “WHAT IS THE NEED BENEATH THIS WANT?”

When we discussed going out to dinner, she talked about enjoying her friends. She had good friends and they had great conversation. I asked her if  going out to dinner was about the restaurant or about connecting with her friends. She thought about this. It really was about connecting with her friends, though she really did love good food. So I asked her, was there a creative way to satisfy the need to connect with her friends AND enjoy good food? Could she meet this need with less money?

 “Tuesday nights at Amy’s” was born. Three girl friends come over nearly every Tuesday and they cook together. They take turns picking out a recipe and buying the main ingredients, than they make it together. While it cooks they talk about everything under the sun. Imagine the fun they have. It is a real riot.

“What is Hawaii really about?” I asked her. It turned out it was a trip she’d planned with her two sisters. They all loved sun and they all needed to get away. Her sisters both had children and, unless the moms were truly away from home, it was hard to relax and let their hair down. I asked her, “So, what is the real need here? Is it about the sun, time off from work, or connecting with your sisters? And if it is about all three, then in what order?” She thought for a moment and then said it was about time away with her sisters. “So how can you meet this need in a less expensive way?”

The next week Amy proposed to her sisters that they book a cabin on the Oregon coast for four days. No airfare, no car rentals. By the way, they had a FABULOUS time together.

One last small example. Amy was a career woman who worked many hours, and every day she would “sneak” away, as she said it, to the Starbucks in her building for a triple chai latte. When we added up what this cost her, she was really taken aback. It wasn’t a gigantic amount, but it was constant. But what was the real need here? Was it about the chai latte? She talked about the smokers in her building who always went outside for a smoke. When could she get away?

It wasn’t really about the latte. It was about the break. At first she decided to cut them out all together, but I didn’t support that. Remember, how do you satisfy the real need? It was time away from the office. In the end, she simply switched to drip coffee and still stole away every day for a break. (Of course she saved calories too!)

The point to all of this? If you are financially stressed right now, it may help you to spend less money so you have more breathing room. But how do you do this without hitting your emotional buttons? Look at the need beneath your want. List out your wants and then ask the powerful questions: WHAT IS THE NEED BENEATH THIS WANT? Then, HOW COULD I CREATIVELY SATISFY THIS UNDERLYING NEED IN A LESS EXPENSIVE WAY?

Remember, the journey to transforming your relationship to money is made up of earning what you are worth AND consciously spending the money you do have. Amy did this and you can to.
© Mikelann Valterra and the Women’s Earning Institute, 2008. All rights reserved. Empowering women to earn what they’re really worth, www.womenearning.com.

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